1. WHAT IS MEDIATION?
Mediation is a process where couples negotiate an acceptable agreement with the aid of a mediator. A mediator is a neutral party who assists in the negotiations; however, the mediator does not make the decisions for you. At the Divorce Mediation Center., our mediators have over twenty-five years of experience in working with people to resolve disputes. We are experienced at finding out what the problems are, and exploring the options with you. You make the decisions, we help you.
2. HOW DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION WORK?
At the Divorce Mediation Center, we take a few minutes during the first session to discuss how the process works, and make sure that the participants are in agreement before going forward. We make sure that the participants will come to a practical solution. Some participants have already agreed on many of the issues on our checklist before they walk in the door. Others have not discussed any issues, or may be nervous about particularly tender issues that they have not been successful in discussing outside of mediation. This is where our expertise in problem solving is effective in helping a couple come to an agreement. We start working on getting the terms of the agreement detailed immediately. During the mediation, we look at the big picture, and help the participants understand their options. In this phase, it often becomes apparent that there are areas where flexibility by the participants can be used to achieve a fair and practical resolution. We continue to work with the participants until all the issues have been agreed upon, and the terms of an agreement clearly and precisely state what the two participants want it to say.
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3. HOW LONG DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION TAKE?
In most cases, mediation can be completed in only one or two sessions, with some follow up e-mails. Sessions are usually held during the day, but evening and Saturday appointments are available.
[back to top]
4. EMOTIONAL RESULTS OF MEDIATION COMPARED TO LITIGATION
The reality of a divorce court trial is that most litigants walk out of the courtroom feeling as if they have just been run over by a truck. Therefore, for most divorcing or separating participants, their feelings after trial are not those of elation, but of disappointment and emotional and financial devastation. In any instance where there is one party that 'wins' in a court case, the other party invariably feels like they have 'lost.' Often, BOTH participants feel like they lost the case. And, for couples with children, any short-term "spoils" of the battle may be considerably less valuable than the long-term benefits of preserving a working relationship with the other parent. Even when both participants find courtroom results reasonable, the effort and expense involved in the battle take a heavy toll on everyone involved, including children, close relatives, and friends. On the other hand, by using The Divorce Mediation Center, we see many couples emerge encouraged. They are encouraged because despite the fact that their relationship did not survive, they were able to work together so that they did not lose everything that they had worked so hard to achieve and they were in agreement with the terms of their separation. At The Divorce Mediation Center, we also see a tremendous amount of relief at the end of the mediation process. Although getting divorced or separated is a big transition, the participants often move into that transition with encouragement and relief that things weren't as bad as they thought they would be.
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5. HOW MUCH WILL A DIVORCE COST IF WE HIRE ATTORNEYS?
It depends upon how complex your issues are and how much conflict you and your spouse have. In the adversarial (litigation) system, each spouse retains their own lawyer and has to pay the full fee to their own lawyer. Attorneys ask for a retainer of approximately $2,500.00 to $5,000.00 before any work begins. As noted in a recent New York Times article, the average cost of a traditional divorce handled in court is between $8,000 and $20,000 dollars. This bill may be run up over many months or even years as a result of overburdened court calendars.
[back to top]
6. COST OF MEDIATION - WHY IS MEDIATION LESS EXPENSIVE?
Mediation is less expensive than going through the process of adversarial lawyers. At The Divorce Mediation Center, there are no retainer fees. Separate attorneys are not negotiating for you by the hour, so you are saving big fee costs. Because the most expensive part of litigation is coming to an agreement on the issues of custody, visitation, child support, and the division of assets and debts, at The Divorce Mediation Center we get down to the core issues quickly and efficiently to help you come to agreement on those issues. Also, as the participants find there are many areas in which they agree, the process itself encourages a constructive and more amicable dialogue. The couple is encouraged by their progress in areas that seemed insurmountable, and they find the remaining issues to be more easily resolved than they ever thought possible. Mediation is much faster and much less costly than going to court.
[back to top]
7. WHAT ISSUES HAVE TO BE DETERMINED BEFORE I OBTAIN A DIVORCE?
A matrimonial matter involves one or more of the following issues:
1. Division of marital property;
2. Division of debts/assets (equitable distribution);
3. Child support, custody, visitation, and shared decision-making;
4. Spousal support (maintenance).
At The Divorce Meditation Center, we will walk you through the process from start to finish, and we will make sure that you make all the decisions needed so that all of the necessary issues are covered. We also bring our experience to the table to help you work out practical solutions that will work in the real world.
[back to top]
8. DO WE HAVE TO WAIT ONE YEAR TO GET DIVORCED?
No. If the participants have agreed on the equitable distribution issues, child support and maintenance, and put them into a separation agreement or stipulation of settlement, the participants can move through an uncontested divorce within a few months.
[back to top]
9. DO I HAVE TO BE A NEW YORK STATE RESIDENT TO FILE FOR DIVORCE?
1. You or your spouse must have been living in New York State for a continuous period of at least two years immediately before the date you start the divorce action;
OR
2. You or your spouse must have been living in New York State for a continuous period of at least one year immediately before the date you start the divorce action, and at least one of the following must also be true:
a) Your marriage ceremony was performed in New York State;
b) You lived in New York State with your spouse as married persons;
c) The cause of action occurred in New York State
OR
3. You and your spouse must be residents of New York State (no matter how long) on the date you start your divorce action, and your grounds for divorce must have happened in New York State.
[back to top]
10. CAN A COUPLE WHO IS ANGRY WITH EACH OTHER USE MEDIATION?
Yes. A common misconception about mediation is that it is only for couples who get along. Actually, mediation is extremely effective for the high-conflict couple who are most susceptible to escalating tensions of an adversarial process. All good mediators have an arsenal of tools they use to reduce anger, focus the participants on the relevant issues, and move the couple out of the areas of disagreement to agreement. Anger can be expressed in mediation, and, in fact, it is a valuable tool for a mediator to use to not only resolve the divorce, but also to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation, anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed, and which must be explored and understood. Anger tells the mediator that someone has important needs which are not being met. Once the area of disagreement has been resolved, the anger seems to disappear. [back to top]
11. MEDIATION BENEFITS THE CHILDREN
In our experience, the most remarkable aspect of mediation is how it benefits the children. Poor school performance and general depression are a concern. Sometimes, spouses are so caught up in their anger at each other that they don't see the extent of the children's pain. Children need loving, consistent attention and assurance that the divorce is not their fault and that their parents still love them. At The Divorce Meditation Center, we focus on resolving issues as quickly as possible so that the stress on the family is greatly reduced. By having resolutions to problems, the family can focus on moving forward with their lives. The mediator helps the parents work TOGETHER for the benefit of the family as a whole.
[back to top]
12. CAN I WITHDRAW FROM MEDIATION?
Yes. Divorce mediation is a voluntary process. This means that both you and your spouse must be willing participants. If either you or your spouse is not happy with the progress of the mediation, either one of you may withdraw at any time.
[back to top]
Mediation is a process where couples negotiate an acceptable agreement with the aid of a mediator. A mediator is a neutral party who assists in the negotiations; however, the mediator does not make the decisions for you. At the Divorce Mediation Center., our mediators have over twenty-five years of experience in working with people to resolve disputes. We are experienced at finding out what the problems are, and exploring the options with you. You make the decisions, we help you.
2. HOW DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION WORK?
At the Divorce Mediation Center, we take a few minutes during the first session to discuss how the process works, and make sure that the participants are in agreement before going forward. We make sure that the participants will come to a practical solution. Some participants have already agreed on many of the issues on our checklist before they walk in the door. Others have not discussed any issues, or may be nervous about particularly tender issues that they have not been successful in discussing outside of mediation. This is where our expertise in problem solving is effective in helping a couple come to an agreement. We start working on getting the terms of the agreement detailed immediately. During the mediation, we look at the big picture, and help the participants understand their options. In this phase, it often becomes apparent that there are areas where flexibility by the participants can be used to achieve a fair and practical resolution. We continue to work with the participants until all the issues have been agreed upon, and the terms of an agreement clearly and precisely state what the two participants want it to say.
[back to top]
3. HOW LONG DOES DIVORCE MEDIATION TAKE?
In most cases, mediation can be completed in only one or two sessions, with some follow up e-mails. Sessions are usually held during the day, but evening and Saturday appointments are available.
[back to top]
4. EMOTIONAL RESULTS OF MEDIATION COMPARED TO LITIGATION
The reality of a divorce court trial is that most litigants walk out of the courtroom feeling as if they have just been run over by a truck. Therefore, for most divorcing or separating participants, their feelings after trial are not those of elation, but of disappointment and emotional and financial devastation. In any instance where there is one party that 'wins' in a court case, the other party invariably feels like they have 'lost.' Often, BOTH participants feel like they lost the case. And, for couples with children, any short-term "spoils" of the battle may be considerably less valuable than the long-term benefits of preserving a working relationship with the other parent. Even when both participants find courtroom results reasonable, the effort and expense involved in the battle take a heavy toll on everyone involved, including children, close relatives, and friends. On the other hand, by using The Divorce Mediation Center, we see many couples emerge encouraged. They are encouraged because despite the fact that their relationship did not survive, they were able to work together so that they did not lose everything that they had worked so hard to achieve and they were in agreement with the terms of their separation. At The Divorce Mediation Center, we also see a tremendous amount of relief at the end of the mediation process. Although getting divorced or separated is a big transition, the participants often move into that transition with encouragement and relief that things weren't as bad as they thought they would be.
[back to top]
5. HOW MUCH WILL A DIVORCE COST IF WE HIRE ATTORNEYS?
It depends upon how complex your issues are and how much conflict you and your spouse have. In the adversarial (litigation) system, each spouse retains their own lawyer and has to pay the full fee to their own lawyer. Attorneys ask for a retainer of approximately $2,500.00 to $5,000.00 before any work begins. As noted in a recent New York Times article, the average cost of a traditional divorce handled in court is between $8,000 and $20,000 dollars. This bill may be run up over many months or even years as a result of overburdened court calendars.
[back to top]
6. COST OF MEDIATION - WHY IS MEDIATION LESS EXPENSIVE?
Mediation is less expensive than going through the process of adversarial lawyers. At The Divorce Mediation Center, there are no retainer fees. Separate attorneys are not negotiating for you by the hour, so you are saving big fee costs. Because the most expensive part of litigation is coming to an agreement on the issues of custody, visitation, child support, and the division of assets and debts, at The Divorce Mediation Center we get down to the core issues quickly and efficiently to help you come to agreement on those issues. Also, as the participants find there are many areas in which they agree, the process itself encourages a constructive and more amicable dialogue. The couple is encouraged by their progress in areas that seemed insurmountable, and they find the remaining issues to be more easily resolved than they ever thought possible. Mediation is much faster and much less costly than going to court.
[back to top]
7. WHAT ISSUES HAVE TO BE DETERMINED BEFORE I OBTAIN A DIVORCE?
A matrimonial matter involves one or more of the following issues:
1. Division of marital property;
2. Division of debts/assets (equitable distribution);
3. Child support, custody, visitation, and shared decision-making;
4. Spousal support (maintenance).
At The Divorce Meditation Center, we will walk you through the process from start to finish, and we will make sure that you make all the decisions needed so that all of the necessary issues are covered. We also bring our experience to the table to help you work out practical solutions that will work in the real world.
[back to top]
8. DO WE HAVE TO WAIT ONE YEAR TO GET DIVORCED?
No. If the participants have agreed on the equitable distribution issues, child support and maintenance, and put them into a separation agreement or stipulation of settlement, the participants can move through an uncontested divorce within a few months.
[back to top]
9. DO I HAVE TO BE A NEW YORK STATE RESIDENT TO FILE FOR DIVORCE?
1. You or your spouse must have been living in New York State for a continuous period of at least two years immediately before the date you start the divorce action;
OR
2. You or your spouse must have been living in New York State for a continuous period of at least one year immediately before the date you start the divorce action, and at least one of the following must also be true:
a) Your marriage ceremony was performed in New York State;
b) You lived in New York State with your spouse as married persons;
c) The cause of action occurred in New York State
OR
3. You and your spouse must be residents of New York State (no matter how long) on the date you start your divorce action, and your grounds for divorce must have happened in New York State.
[back to top]
10. CAN A COUPLE WHO IS ANGRY WITH EACH OTHER USE MEDIATION?
Yes. A common misconception about mediation is that it is only for couples who get along. Actually, mediation is extremely effective for the high-conflict couple who are most susceptible to escalating tensions of an adversarial process. All good mediators have an arsenal of tools they use to reduce anger, focus the participants on the relevant issues, and move the couple out of the areas of disagreement to agreement. Anger can be expressed in mediation, and, in fact, it is a valuable tool for a mediator to use to not only resolve the divorce, but also to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation, anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed, and which must be explored and understood. Anger tells the mediator that someone has important needs which are not being met. Once the area of disagreement has been resolved, the anger seems to disappear. [back to top]
11. MEDIATION BENEFITS THE CHILDREN
In our experience, the most remarkable aspect of mediation is how it benefits the children. Poor school performance and general depression are a concern. Sometimes, spouses are so caught up in their anger at each other that they don't see the extent of the children's pain. Children need loving, consistent attention and assurance that the divorce is not their fault and that their parents still love them. At The Divorce Meditation Center, we focus on resolving issues as quickly as possible so that the stress on the family is greatly reduced. By having resolutions to problems, the family can focus on moving forward with their lives. The mediator helps the parents work TOGETHER for the benefit of the family as a whole.
[back to top]
12. CAN I WITHDRAW FROM MEDIATION?
Yes. Divorce mediation is a voluntary process. This means that both you and your spouse must be willing participants. If either you or your spouse is not happy with the progress of the mediation, either one of you may withdraw at any time.
[back to top]